confusion

Well i hate these blogs, I hate writing these stuipd depressing blogs... but well right now my life sucks, and this is where i go to vent, express anger and what not... in addition to keeping yall updated of course :)... and well i know these are pretty depressing sometimes, or well i think they are... but oh well... my life is depressing :(.......... or to me it is :(

So... ya of course guy issues... so for those that know me/read this thing, you will know that john broke up with me about 2 months ago (give or take a bit) and well, i was totally shocked, hurt and devistated. I totally was/is madley in love with him and well it really hurt... so an attempt has been made to remain friends, yah i know glutton for punnishment, but oh well... friends are good... and it would be nice to keep him as a friend... So as i said about two months have gone by, and things are not good... i am still completely sad and miserable and feel myself falling into this horrible depression... still not really eating (only eating cause i know i am supposed to) have no apetite, still not sleeping, when i do finally fall asleep i jolt awake from these horrible dreams all of which are related to him in some way shape or form, then it takes me a while to fall back asleep and the same happens over and over and over :(.... I never want to go home because it is so fucking lonely here and it just makes me think about him thus making me sadder, when i am at home i just stay in bed with no desire to do anything or get out of bed...so to prevent that i try not to be here, so that means i am at school all day long for really long days, i have been pulling 5-6am to 9-10 at night,.... so anyways john and i have been talking and he had asked me what i would change about the relationship and what not... so i told him and we talked about it and how he could change things about himself for the better... and apparently hes had some big revelations about himself and relized he can be an ass and some other things... so he was gonna work on being a good friend to all his friends and just work on being a better person.... so i have put time and effort into helping him get better, and yah i could say it was partially for selfish reasons... but still i dont like my friends to be asses so i helped him out..... well we were talking last night... and apparently he is considering dating someone, whose name is also jenny and is 20 years old, mind you john is 26 has been married and has lots and i mean lots of baggage, no matter if he says hes over stuff, he so is not... he thinks hes better and has changed, but honestly i do not think he is, and i can tell this by the way he responds to things and how he talks... So needless to say this hurts alot, if he is better and is ready for a relationship i feel as if i did all the work and someone else is gonna benifit... not that i see us getting back together, it would take major work on his behalf... but still :(.... it just hurts.... really really really badly and i dont know how to deal with this or how to move on, all i know is that i am in such a horrible depressed funk. :(............