Im just missing you

I am here in Atlanta staying the night at my Aunt Jeanne’s. And well it is quite depressing . I am laying in bed typing on the computer, and its late…so this is where it all began . When I had evacuated for Katrina, this is one of the places I visited, and one night while I was here John (in Afghanistan) and I spent the entire night talking via instant messenger, and somewhere during that night is when I fell in love with him… I cant pinpoint it exactly, but sometime during that long wonderful night I fell in love. So as I am lying here in that same bed with the same computer, and well he IMed me a few min ago, its saddening. And I cannot help miss him and wish he was here with me.

The other day he asked me what I miss about him, and well I couldn’t tell him, not because I didn’t know, but because I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him, that would have just been to much… so I am going to put it here, get it off of my chest and out of my mind… so if you do not want to know all of the reasons why I miss John so much and all of the reasons I love him so madly then stop reading, but if curiosity has a grip on you… well then read on…

I miss John’s smile this little half smirk where only the right side of his lips curl up. I miss his eyes, the most beautiful and wonderful shade of sea green that I have ever seen; they are warm and caring and looking into them made me feel wonderful, beautiful, cared for, loved, warm and safe. I miss his strong arms wrapped around me; there is honestly no place I would rather been than rapped up in his arms, there I felt loved and as if nothing bad could ever happen. I miss the way he would just randomly pick me up and carry me in his arms, like one time when Steve, he and I were walking from the parking lot to a bar and he just randomly swooped me up and carried me for a sec. I miss how excited he would get when he would learn some new tidbit about an actor, movie or musician. I miss how he would come home from pt hop in the shower and then come curl back up next to me in bed for a minute and kiss me. I miss him listening to music and drumming along with me as the drum. I miss him attempting to tickle me, even though I hate being tickled and many times thwarted his attempt, I miss his attempt. I miss how if I wasn’t feeling in a great mood, he would make faces and cheer me up or act like a monkey or a dog and make me smile. I miss how excited he always seemed when I would make him something to eat, especially a quesadilla. I miss sitting in the back seat of Steve’s car on the way to some bar or what not, with John in the seat in front of me, he would randomly just stick his arm back and grab and squeeze my leg. I miss his snoring at night. I miss watching a movie on my laptop in bed because he had to go to sleep and get up early and I couldn’t sleep, so I would put in a movie, he would curl up with his head on my stomach or chest and I would rub his back while he fell asleep. I miss how he would rub my tummy if it didn’t feel good. I miss curling up on his floor with him watching movies and how he always knew what other movie the actor was in when I couldn’t figure it out or couldn’t remember. I miss doing stuff for him, like making him something to eat, grabbing something from the store for him, or before I left I would do my laundry and his as well and fold it and put it away. I miss watching him get ready for work the next day, ironing his uniform and getting everything done. I miss learning and hearing all the stories about him, from his life. I miss walking with him holding his hand, or wrapping my arm around his waist. I miss hugging him and being hugged back. I miss how he would be in a goofy mood and we would wrestle around and “punch” back and forth. I miss playing video games with him. I miss sitting on his lap while he copied CDs onto his computer. I miss going to best buy with him and watching him find new movies or music he didn’t have. I miss going to play Friday night Texas holdem with him at a friend of his place, even if he didn’t sit next to me he would look at me and smile, and it didn’t feel as if there was any space between us. I miss how even though he hated talking on the phone, he would talk to me on the phone. I miss him getting all excited to show me pics of when he was younger, growing up. I miss walking in his door when I would go and visit and hugging and kissing him. I miss how when I would leave, he would hold me and kiss me while I cried because I didn’t want to leave. I miss his comments on “how a girl should be feminine and a guy should be masculine.” I miss curling up with him at the movies and feeding each other recipes pieces. I miss him wanting to order my food for me at restaurants, even though I didn’t always let him, I love the fact that he tried. I miss riding in his car with him, music blaring, his hand on my leg, and kissing him when we came to a stop. I miss his voice, I miss him telling me he loves me, I miss being with him… what am I saying… I miss everything, good, bad whatever. I miss everything, and I would give anything to have him back so I no longer had to miss it.

I MISS YOU JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!

New meaning

Its odd, there are songs and cds that you know really well, that you have listened to over and over and over again, and then something happens in your life and well those songs or cds just aren't the same anymore... They gain new meaning and may have once cheered you up but now sadden you, or ones that were just pretty to listen to and were taken with a grain of salt now have much more depth than you could ever imagine them having.

I am supposed to be working on my take home exam.. And I am, but I needed a bit of a break so I took a hot shower, nothing like a hot shower to relieve stress and wash away anything that ails you... So I put a CD in my CD player as I often do when I take a shower, I've never been one for silence... So I put in the CD Mirrorball by Sarah Mclachlan. This is one of those CD that I can normally listen to to forget and take my mind away from whatever is bothering me... But not this time, the entire CD has taken on a new meaning, and I still love the songs, but there is now this sadness that accompanies the songs...

I Love You

I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
The world around disappears

Just you and me
On this island of hope
A breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you
My sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek

Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away

And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away

And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you

lost all faith in humans...

We have this organization here at school called the Student oceanographic Society (SOS). The purpose of this organization is to help the students. When new students come down to visit or move here SOS gathers apartment listings and gives them other helpful information like that. SOS also gives mock quals as a practice for the actual qualifying exam. They also do different social gatherings (like a bonfire) to get the students and sometimes faculty a chance to socialize and what not. So the main purpose of this is to help out the students... this sounds like a wonderful idea, and well it used to be like this and it was good. But last year and this year not so much. Last year all SOS did was throw a bonfire and do mock quals. So my $20 dollar dues went to buy beer that I don't drink (who the hell buys bud light??), hotdogs and hamburgers (Yet again don't eat)... Any other time SOS donated money to something (such as the Halloween party) I always cooked or baked something and spend way more than SOS would usually donate. So this semester comes around and I decide to not pay dues for SOS, why... Whets the point... And apparently some others decided to do the same, so the new SOS officers decided to say something about how if you don't pay your dues then you wont be apart of the organization or what not... So cool that's fine with me no biggie, so if they do something I wont drink there beer or eat there food that's fine with me....

so one of the "new" students who came spring semester last year, has is qualifying exam the end of January, so SOS is going to do there mock qual the 16th of January. So as of now, the sign up sheet has been up for a month I am the only one who has signed up for the mock qual, me the one non-paying member of SOS... I find that funny... Most of the people in SOS will jump at the chance to do a bonfire and drink, but when it actually comes down to helping students, none of them are too eager. And this sort of shit happens all of the time...

yesterday SOS had a meeting, in which I did not attend, the last one just ended up being people I don't like talking shit, so I figured this one would be about the same, and I really didn't want to waste my time when I have so many better things to do... So I have come to find out that those in charge have taken a turn for the worst. One of the students here working on a masters is on his forth year... He has had funding cuts, projects changed and currently is just finishing up his writing and analysis, and is fully being funded by student grants and his folks. He is one of the ones who was here when SOS was actually about helping the students, so at the meetings he usually tries to remind the new folks in charge what the real purpose of SOS is, to help students not to party (although the occasional party is cool)... So, (sorry I am using so a lot ), apparently at this last meeting he did as he always does and tried to bring it back back the focus of the meeting, and was then berated and insulted by those in charge and those at the meeting. Since they did not like what he had to say, they decided to give him a hard time about being here so long... And that he should be done and what not (mind you their words were worse and much more mean from what he said)... Who the hell are these people to berate someone like that. They are either new students who really don't know much about how things work here yet, students who came in with me who have nothing to do but their own research (there advisor doesn't have work for them to do so they don't do anything), or students who are going on three years and do not even have their prospectus approved... WTF!! Who the hell are any of these people to come down on this guy, who is an extremely nice guy, he can be opinionated from time to time, but he knows what he is talking about and they would benefit from listening to him...

So this just pissed me off even more... So IM gone help with mock qualifiers and anytime anyone needs any help... But other than that im done I just don't give a shit anymore, if this is the way things are going to be handled im done... I have much better things to do with my time than to deal with their childish petty behavior and problems.

Odd little revelation

Its odd sometimes the little revelations you have sometimes... So, I have spent a large portion of my life listening to my older cousin Jacque go on about things (she is ~12 years older than me). I spent a lot of time with her while I was in high school, she lived in Richmond, so I would spend weekends with her from time to time.... And she always went on about how she was never going to get married or have kids. That she was going to be the old woman with the cat and be old and alone.... And well I never really understood any of her worries, she was in her early/mid twenties while this was occurring... So well I was always like, you have plenty of time, you will find someone and all that sort of stuff... But recently I have come to understand those worries. I know I am only 23 and have "plenty of time"... But on the other hand, the older I get the smaller and smaller my social group is becoming. In undergrad there were always new people and a large pool of people. But now here I am working on my masters and my social group is well 20... So that large pool has dwindled quite a bit and most folks I know are married. So then I will go on to my PhD, where even if I go to a large school, the masters/PhD pool will likely be small, with many people married, or then there are those who are so focused on their work that they don't worry so much about their social life... And then I get a job, likely to be at a University, where I will likely be surrounded with older faculty, maybe a few new faculty, but there again even smaller pool.... So all of my cousins fears and worries have begun to creep into my head... I don't like that they are there, but they are...What if I never meet that right person who wants me and loves me as much as I love and want them, what if I never have kids.... What if it ends up being just me and some furry pet?? I don't know if I like the idea of that...

So my cousin is now married and has twin girls, so it worked out for her, but the man she married well she meet him in high school... So, that doesn't make me feel better... But alas, I really just don't know... I guess I can only be hopeful and hope things work out... :(

fun little game

So I feel as if the universe is playing a little game with me. The game is to see how much stress and crap the universe can pile up on me before I break.... Oh its such a fun fun game... Lets see if we make it so that she loosed most everything she owns, then have the insurance company screw her, make FEMA a pain in the ass to deal with, allow her to keep the normal school stress, add some new school stress, throw in a unsuspecting abstract and talk, throw in an unsuspected lab deadline, the man you love more than anything else is going to decide that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you, your aunt has an aneurysm and is likely going to die but we will throw in a twist and not let you know any details and have no one tell you anything, then lets make it so you dont have the money to go up for the funeral (whenever its gonna be) so you have to figure things out and worry about that in addition to other things... hum, what should we add next......

Its a great game :), dont you want to play...

ahh my latest great BS

http://www.msacad.org/showabstracts/?id=232

ahh -- the greatness that is the abstract BS :)..

Brain Aneurysm

So my grandma called today, and i could immediately tell that something was wrong, her normal cheerful voice, was not there... my Aunt Sue (my aunt by marrage on my fathers side) is in the hospital in a coma. Apparently she was found passed out in her car at the pharmacy, where she was going to fill a perscription. They called 911 and they found my uncle Jims number in the car and called him as well... so they rushed her to the hospital, and ran a bunch of tests, cat scans and whatnot... and apparently she had an aneurysm at the base of the brain. For those who do not know what an aneurysm is

A brain aneurysm is a weak bulging spot on the wall of a brain artery very much like a thin balloon or weak spot on an inner tube. Aneurysms form silently from wear and tear on the arteries, and sometimes can form from injury, infection, or inherited tendency


When a brain aneurysm ruptures, it causes bleeding into the compartment surrounding the brain, the subarachnoid space, causing a subarachnoid hemorrhage (SAH). Often the aneurysm heals over, bleeding stops, and the person survives. In more serious cases, the bleeding may cause brain damage with paralysis or coma. In the most severe cases the bleeding leads to death.

Statistics
50% of those people die within minutes of a massive hemorrhage. Of the 50% who survive, half will suffer delayed death. The remaining survivors, depending upon the level of hemorrhage, usually live with severe long-term deficits.


so the outlook is not good. Ill keep you posted, but I have the feeling that I may be heading up to va very very soon :(

HEARTBROKEN!!!

So, well I got an e-mail yesterday from John and well, he is not ready for a relationship and that its over, :(. So for any guys out there who might stumble upon this, it is never acceptable to break up with a girl via e-mail, internet, post-it, or any other non-verbal communication. The only proper way to break up with a girl is in person, but if for some reason that is not possible (distance or what not) then phone is acceptable, but not on the machine, actually talk to the girl, give her that respect. Be respectful of her, and honor what you had with her and break up with her in person.

So, well now here I am sad and crying with my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. I love him so much, and this hurts so much! But its odd, normally there is this hatred that accompanies a breakup. But not this time, I am really not mad at him at all or angry. Hurt and destroyed and devastated, YES! But angry no... And another weird thing that I am not used to: normally when a relationship is over I tend to regret things like: "why did I waste all those kisses on him", "why did I fall for him", "why did I get so attached", "why didn't I wise up sooner". But not this time, its odd, I don't regret anything, and this is a very odd feeling... So, I don't know what this means or if it means anything at all (im a girl gotta make it into something), but its weird. I just don't know.

So hes not ready for a relationship, and well I understand that. He does have a lot of anger built up from past things, as well as a few other things. So, I really hope he figures things out and is capable of happiness.

But still I am here broken and wishing I was still with him. I just want to be with him, :(, and it hurts so much that I can not be :(... I really do love him, and I have never ever felt like this before... I just wish I could be with him... God my heart hurts!!!!!!!

my baby:

I lay here longing for your touch
and your warm strong embrace
but you are not here
just a large cold space

I think of you often
and the tears stream so fast
i miss you so much
and i dont think i will last

I just want to hear your voice
that deep sensuous tone
but you remain silent
and i feel so alone

I am here deserted
and thats the way i guess it will be
until you break the silence
and come back and be with me

To Chirs...

(for those who do not know who chris is, read the comments posted for the previous blog)

So, I see that you have taken to reading my blog... In case you were not aware, this is my blog, this is where I vent, complain, bitch, get out initial reactions so things can be contemplated without strong emotion, and keep some old friends and new friends up to date on what is going on in my life... So of course it is about me! That is sort of the point, a blog about me... So you supposedly do not know me, so apparently I am such a horrible selfish person, however you are amused enough to read my entire blog... So I cant be that horrible or why would you continue to read? Seeing as how you do not know me, you would not know that I have never been one to jump from relationship to relationship in order to justify my existence. There was a long period in my life where I didn't really see anyone, just me, and well I am very much ok with myself and do not need the justification of a relationship (as you say I do).

So, about the part where you say that John was just using me because I was easy... If you are going to use someone why not choose someone much closer! 9 hours is a long ways to go to use someone. If he had just been using me then I doubt he would have traveled all this way to come and see me, and why would he invite his parents to come down for thanksgiving so they could meet me? And then while the parents were down, why would he have me join him and his folks to go visit his grandmother in the nursing home?? That does not sound like the actions of someone who would just be using me...

So you say that you do not know me and that "I'm not influenced by any emotional bonds"... However your words are extremely emotional and sound as if they are coming from some deep dark hatred for someone or something... It sounds as if you have been hurt in the past. For someone who does not know me, you put in a lot of time with those comments... And honestly it makes me wonder...

So if reading my blog and then making an attempt to belittle me makes you feel better, then well I am glad you feel better. However I would appreciate that in the future, if you feel the need to vent and belittle please do not do it in my comments section, instead why not start your own blog to deal with your problems and emotions.
You obviously need to let some of that built up emotions out... So give it a try... Venting to friends and strangers is quite helpful, and unlike you I promise not to consider you being selfish because you talk mostly about yourself....

So cheers Chris, and I hope your life is filled with less hatred and resentment in the future...

I am so stupid!!!!!!!!

So I think I might have fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to me. For those of you who dont know, I have been dating this guy named John who is in the Army. We went to the same high school and knew of eachother but thats about it. So about the time katrina hit -- he was in Afghanistan, we started talking online. We would talk for hours and hours and hours, i would stay up late and he went into work early just so we could talk to eachother (day here=night there). So during this time i was falling for him quickly!!!!!!!! He arrived back at the states, and I went to visit him, and well one thing lead to another and we were together. And I fell hard and fast. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever known. He is very much a guy's guy, but does have hidden soft spots which i love. He is sweet, caring, kind, loving, smart, funny, strong, loving, genuine, and just every other wonderful adjective. So, well I am head over heels in love with him. Now he is stationed in Tampa which is about 9 hours away, but because this semester is pretty flexible, i have been able to go down there and spend quite a bit of time, and he was able to come up shortly after he got back from afghanistan. So this is where ive fucked up......
So i found out this week that Charlotte is going to be out of town next week, so i thought great -- i can go to john's, take a bunch of article i need to read, during the day read those while hes at work and then spend the rest of the time with john. So i tell john this and he says that next week they begin training (or something like that-- basically getting ready to deploy again), and he will be working long long hours so it probably wouldnt be good if i come. So ok, no biggie.
So then later i come up with the i drive down either thurs or early early friday, and then leave monday. basically giving us 3 days together. he said that this weekend he wanted to go visit his grandmother (in a nursing home), and that he really wanted to go alone, so it probably wouldnt be good if i came down to visit. I then say that its still enough time that we would have fri night, sat morning/night and all of sunday and that i should still come down. He responds negatively to this saying it is just a bad weekend .... well my stupid stuborn headed self keeps pusing him and pushing him till i finally pissed him off :(.... and tells me no not to come. He then tells me that he is not happy and he is thinking maybe it is best if we take a break and that he needs to think, and that he will call me...........
so this was yesturday... and i still know nothing!!!!!! I called and texed him last night trying just to hear his voice. Today i almost went to tampa just to see him and talk to him since he is currently not talking to me, but i didnt that would have just made things worse....

So i still havent heard from him, i dont know what is going on with us or him, and my heart feels as if it is breaking :( I am so stupid, why do i have to be so stubborn and selfish!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate myself for that!!!! and if i have ruined the best thing in my life, i dont know what i am going to do:(.......... I called him leaving a message apologizing for my stubborn selfishness and asking him to call me.... i havent heard anything yet :(.................................

so i guess now i just wait, I hope to god he forgives me, and all can be well again.........I love him so much, i really dont know what i would do without him :(